I am feeling somewhat melancholy this evening and am treating it with some good and loud Dire Straits. Some of their live versions on Sultans of Swing and Money for Nothing are so great and listening to them put me there and out of my darkening mood. Here in Turlock, it’s dark, cold and rainy and the weather was pulling me into its vortex of grayness. Then, I listened to a ten minute version of Sultans with Mark Knopfler and crew which they performed in Sydney, Australia in 1986. Knopfler’s guitar work would be plenty but in this rendition they employed a guy to play saxophone which just brought it up a couple of notches. Hearing the audience clap, whistle and scream placed me there in the center of all that energy. I love listening to music. I listen and sing along but the only thing I can play is the radio. I’ve been thinking a lot about my girls, grandkids, and beautiful wife who all love and appreciate me. Thinking about them is really helping me to work through the pain of Danie...
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This is how the nurse put my hat on me. Unacceptable! Today I had an electro cardioversion in an attempt to get my heart back into a regular rhythm. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that my heart went into atrial fibrillation due, likely, to Daniel’s suicide. The procedure was performed at Kaiser in Modesto and I am thankful to report that it worked. I was concerned about having it done but found during my research that it is effective 90% of the time and there is only a 1% chance that something would go wrong. Everyone I talked to who had it done or knew a family member who had it said it was successful. Nonetheless, I am a Faddis and it seems that “bad things” happen to Faddises. I made sure that Linda knows what to do in the event of my death regarding our finances, computer passwords and my pension. I then joked a lot about dying, seeing you on the “other side” and who she might find to replace me as a husband. She said that no one could replace me b...
A few weeks ago I became a volunteer for Healing Nations, a non-profit organization that aids needy youth and their families. This is a great organization that has a big heart for those it serves. The following was written by founder Shirley Salter and taken from the website: The seed that birthed Healing Nations was planted in January of 1997 during the devastating floods in the Central Valley of California; particularly the west Modesto area. While assisting flood victims during this time God impressed upon my heart His desire to express His love through me and others in a new place and in a new way. The victims of the flooding in west Modesto were to be the first children, youth and families that we would learn to love and serve and be blessed to become a part of their lives. We are still in contact with the children of these families that are now young adults. Healing Nations has Girls and Boys Clubs, Science and Music programs and an outreach on Wednesday evenings during which ...
Thanksgiving 2012 will be here soon and it will be a bittersweet time for our family. Some of us have commented about not having Daniel here at the table. This, I think, was his favorite holiday. It was in the top two, I am sure.It is special to all of us because we have been so bless ed have many Thanksgiving holidays together. I will do my best this year not to be in a somber mood, primarily for the sake of my family. They are affected by how I feel and if I am “up" they are likely to also be that way. As the leader, I want us all to have a good time. I want us to remember that Daniel is at peace and in a much better place. There are new memories for us who remain to build. My daughters have their own spouses and children now to begin their own catalogs of thoughts, fond memories and thankfulness. So, even though we will be hurting, we can have a great Thanksgiving Day this year. I am thankful for so much and I try to tell God this sometimes when I think about it. First, He h...
The majority of my ramblings on this blog have revolved around Daniel’s death and life. This is natural, I suppose, as he is why I started the blog. Most of the writings have dealt with my grief, crying, and general sadness. There has been a taste of fond thoughts, hope at seeing him in heaven and humor but it has mostly been negative things. As I have said, I don’t know how long I will grieve to this extent, but these moments are winding down in number and intensity. For this, I am grateful. Yesterday, I began to give some thought to the bright side of my life which led me to the other members of my immediate family. From the youngest, Caedence, my sweet and newest baby girl who is only a month old; Judah, my nine month old grandson who is crawling everywhere and pulling himself up to a standing position; Cambria (19 months) who does the “pretty girl” dance, runs to give me hugs and loves to play chase; Logan the five year old future UFC fighter who is hooked on all things Godzilla...
Linda and I went to the cemetery today to visit Daniel’s grave. I sat in the truck as I am unable to walk up the small hill on the thick grass without fear of falling down. Daniel is buried about 100 feet from the road. Linda went and stood there for a while. This was a good thing because I believe she needed some time alone with our son. She came back to the truck and we held each other while we cried. Although the pain of our loss has begun to subside, we have moments when it hits us again that our son is gone from this world; out of reach. Gone is his presence, his largeness of life, his dry sense of humor and his gentleness which he attempted to hide under a rough exterior. These moments of sadness hit us without expectation. When they come to me, I cry for a bit and then get myself under control. Last week, I opened a drawer and there was a picture of him on top that I had put in there and forgotten. Certain songs get me. One of these is a Don Williams song titled, “If Hollyw...
A few days ago, I received a letter from a dear and longtime friend who lives in Northeastern Oregon. I have known her and her husband for about thirty years. I was more a friend to her husband over the years but I did take their wedding photos a long time ago. It wasn’t until the past five to ten years that we have gotten to know each other better. She shared the path of our friendship as she sees it including that her first memories of me are generic, I was funny and was a nice guy. She recounted how she then became friends with my wife, Linda and that each of our children were much the same age. The bottom line of the letter is she believes that I help people get connected; she and I have connected as friends,– that we “get” one another. I wrote the following in a partial response to what she said in her letter to me: I am unable to find a lot of words to respond to your letter. I cannot stop crying. I so wish that we could see each other more often because I love being in yo...