My Ramblings

Earlier today I was sitting in the living room watching TV. My seven month old grandson, Judah, was lying on the floor on a blanket. He is learning to turn over and get up on his hands and knees. He can crawl somewhat but not in a forward direction. He’s good at going sideways and backwards, though. As I contemplated how quickly he is growing and developing, something occurred to me I had never considered before. Being a grandpa is way more fun than being just a dad. As a grandfather who is retired I have much time to interact with and observe my four grandchildren. Since Judah and his parents live with us I have a lot of time to be with him and I love it. As a young father to our own children I had far less time with my kids due to working all the time to support them. Leaving for work in the morning and coming home at night, shortly before their bedtime, did not leave much room for being with them. Daniel was six months old when I went to work part-time for the Santa Clara Count

Shortly after Daniel died, my very good and longtime friend, Bill Dobos, gave me a book titled, “Lament for a Son” written by Nicholas Wolterstorff. The book is about the author’s grief after losing his son in a mountain climbing accident. There is so much in this book to which I can relate. The boy’s death was unexpected; he was in his 25, Daniel was 28; his father sometimes got angry with him over the boy’s self-centeredness, etc. In one chapter, Wolterstorff speaks about his friend whose son committed suicide a few weeks before his own son died. Following is from his book and is worth repeating here: The pain of his (the one who killed himself) life was so intense that he took the life that gave the pain. I thought for a time that such a death must be easier to bear than the one with zest for life. He wanted to die. When I talked to the father, I saw that I was wrong. Death is the great leveler, so our writers have always told us. Of course they are right. But they have negle

I was talking with a good friend, Chris Blair yesterday who is a pastor in Oregon. He and his wife Debbie came to visit us while they’re on vacation to support us as we continue to grieve. We discussed the importance of telling others what we appreciate about them. The people we meet in life (friends, casual acquaintances, co-workers, family, even strangers) truly appreciate it when we compliment them. This is very important for us to do since we live in such a negative and critical environment. Since Daniel died, I have had so much love from people who tell me what a great guy I am and how much my kindness has helped them. This has helped me tremendously and I I want to uplift others even more than I have in the past. I hope that my mentioning it here will encourage you to do the same. Don’t wait for something terrible to happen to someone you know until you “love on them.” Smile at strangers, say hello to everyone you meet, tell your Mom and Dad, your friends, your siblings, your

Today is Thursday and this morning I realized that the last couple of days have been better for me. I have not thought about Daniel and his suicide as much. I have shed fewer tears. I cannot say that I am “over it” but I am hopeful that I am making progress. As I stated in my last post, I want to learn to manage my pain rather than allow my pain to manage me. Today, Linda and I had lunch with our pastor, Adam Miller and his wife, Jenn. Adam asked Linda how she was doing to which she answered, “I am staying busy.” I need to take a lesson from her and get busy. If I do so, I will have less time to dwell on the circumstances. I am very grateful for the many expressions of support, love and prayer we have received from people. We have been told that folks all over the world, most of whom do not even know us, are praying for us. We, in turn, are praying for the suffering and tragedy of people we do not know. The prayer network that can be created is immense. And it is expanded exponent

One of the first thoughts that drifted into my mind when I woke up this morning is that right now I do not care if I live or die. There is no way I would take my own life, especially after having had to live through this past seven weeks. Suicide wrecks so many people around the deceased. However, if I dropped dead from a heart attack or a car crash I am ready for it. Being in heaven would be so much better than this staying in this world. Heaven means no pain, no sadness, and no worries. The depression and sadness are so debilitating. I have no ambition and no desire to get some. There is nothing more that I feel like accomplishing each day other than to get out of bed and most days that is not until 10 or 11. Later in the morning, I called Linda into where I was sitting because I was on the verge of losing it and I needed her to console me. She stood there in front of me and cradled my head for a long time as I cried and told her how I feel. I said through my tears and pain, “God!

There are two birthdays today (August 3) in my family. Today, my beautiful, smart, compassionate daughter, Heather is 27. She is the mother of two boys and a daughter. Her fourth baby will be born in October. I am so proud of her! Among other things, she is a great mommy; an accomplished baker and a doula (look it up). Our relationship is strong and loving; however, it was not always that way. Like her Dad, Heather is strong-willed and so we butted heads a lot during her teen years. I am so proud of the woman she has grown to be. The other family birthday today would have been my sister Tina’s 52nd. Unfortunately, she passed away in June 2005. The word that comes to mind regarding Heather and Tina (who were born 25 years to the day apart) is “choices.” While Heath was somewhat rebellious and resistant to our guidance at times, she righted herself and has blossomed into a woman that any parent would be proud of. Tina did not choose the same path for herself. She got into drugs, fell

I cannot yet say I have “turned a corner” regarding my grief. It’s more like I am at the beginning of a big curve in the road and slowly making my way around to the other end. So, I feel I am experiencing some progress.   Having never gone through such a trial, I really don’t know what to expect. I look forward to not bursting into tears at the slightest little thing such as hearing a song or seeing a commercial for a TV show that Daniel and I liked to watch. While I know it is okay to do this, it can be unsettling to people who are in the same room as me when it happens. Try to picture all 6’2”, 450 lbs. of me spontaneously exploding into a crying jag. I feel bad for those who have witnessed this. This would be a good gag for a Candid Camera episode, I think.