One of the first thoughts that drifted into my mind when I woke up this morning is that right now I do not care if I live or die. There is no way I would take my own life, especially after having had to live through this past seven weeks. Suicide wrecks so many people around the deceased. However, if I dropped dead from a heart attack or a car crash I am ready for it. Being in heaven would be so much better than this staying in this world. Heaven means no pain, no sadness, and no worries. The depression and sadness are so debilitating. I have no ambition and no desire to get some. There is nothing more that I feel like accomplishing each day other than to get out of bed and most days that is not until 10 or 11.
Later in the morning, I called Linda into where I was sitting because I was on the verge of losing it and I needed her to console me. She stood there in front of me and cradled my head for a long time as I cried and told her how I feel. I said through my tears and pain, “God! Please take me or fix me! I cannot take this hurt!” Linda, crying also, said, “You can’t fix a broken heart.” She is so right. Before this happened to us, I believed that something like this would have just taken time to get over and that the hurt would subside. Now, I no longer believe such. I don’t know when, if ever the pain will go away. Right now, the best I can hope for is that I will learn to manage the pain and figure out how to keep it from managing me.
Just now, as I was typing this, my five year old grandson, Logan, who is visiting us this week, came to me and whispered, “Grandpa, don’t tell anyone in this house, but I think you are the best grandpa in the world.” Sometimes I guess, God sends five year old angels to take our eyes off ourselves so we can see the bigger picture.
Later in the morning, I called Linda into where I was sitting because I was on the verge of losing it and I needed her to console me. She stood there in front of me and cradled my head for a long time as I cried and told her how I feel. I said through my tears and pain, “God! Please take me or fix me! I cannot take this hurt!” Linda, crying also, said, “You can’t fix a broken heart.” She is so right. Before this happened to us, I believed that something like this would have just taken time to get over and that the hurt would subside. Now, I no longer believe such. I don’t know when, if ever the pain will go away. Right now, the best I can hope for is that I will learn to manage the pain and figure out how to keep it from managing me.
Just now, as I was typing this, my five year old grandson, Logan, who is visiting us this week, came to me and whispered, “Grandpa, don’t tell anyone in this house, but I think you are the best grandpa in the world.” Sometimes I guess, God sends five year old angels to take our eyes off ourselves so we can see the bigger picture.
Comments
I am challenged by the truth you are discovering on your journey. I cannot even pretend to know the challenges that are along the path you and Linda are on - but I appreciate the way you are keeping your eyes open to the observations that happen, I would imagine, almost daily, and the way you are allowing yourself to share those observations with others. I am grateful for Logan - and the other small gestures of kindness and mercy God will show you. I applaud you for recognizing those gifts amidst the pain. Praying fervently for you right now. Trey
There are so many people who are praying for you. Thank you for opening up your heart to all of us. My prayer is that every single day God will show you in some small way (and BIG ways when that is what is needed) that He is with you - that you are not alone. We all love you Stan...
Wendy (Juvenal) Mays