My Ramblings

I vividly recall where I was on this day 11 years ago when I learned of the attack on our nation. I walked into work that morning and saw several co-workers watching a TV that showed the first plane hit the tower. Our first thought was that it was an accident, but then the second one hit the other tower and a sick feeling hit us that the actions were intentional. It was unbelievable then that this had happened. It still boggles the mind 11 years later. 9/11 also marks a different anniversary for me because it was nine years ago today that my then 19 year old son, reported for duty to the U.S. Navy. This was not by happenstance that he reported on this anniversary of the attack. He and his buddy, Travis planned it that way. I cannot speak for Travis but I knew that Daniel worked it out because it was so important to him. It is also my belief that the 9/11 attack was a big factor in Daniel wanting to join the military. I recall how proud I was of him for enlisting. Yes, I was concer...

I had two crying episodes this morning. The first came while talking to Linda about our trip to the cemetery yesterday. I woke up not feeling very chipper but I was not sad, however; talking to Linda just broke me. Through my tears I said, “I want my boy! I want to hug him, go fishing again and just see him!” These moments come upon me like an unseen storm on the horizon until they engulf me. Not being able to have these things does not make me want them anyway. In fact, I want them even more and I chastise myself for all the wasted opportunities I had in his 28 years to be with him. We did not play catch, or go fishing enough. I did not attend as many of his school activities as I should or could have. Working all the time contributed much to this but there were so many times when I was at home, watching TV or playing games on my computer and I flat out ignored his presence. The regrets are so many and so sad. The second emotional jag occurred as I was reading the many Facebook...

This afternoon, Linda and I drove to the San Joaquin Memorial Cemetery in Santa Nella to see where we will bury Daniel’s cremains next week. The sprawling cemetery is for veterans and their spouses. Neither of us has ever been there before and Linda was surprised to see that there are no standing markers. She expected to see hundreds of white crosses marking the graves as depicted in the movie, “Saving Private Ryan.” The markers at SJV are all flat rectangles made of a cement type material. The nearby brown hills along I-5 are a stark contrast to the beautiful, thick green sod of the burial grounds. It is remote and peaceful. Daniel will be happy we are putting him in a place surrounded by other vets with similar ideals to his own. I counted approximately a dozen groundskeepers maintaining the area and preparing to lay fresh sod around the new graves. Judging by the size of the place and the number of workers, this is a busy place. Daniel’s memorial service back i...

Several days ago, our daughter Holly posted the below paragraph regarding Daniel on her Facebook page: Facebook leaves this section blank and asks "What's on your mind?" To which I answer: My brother. My amazing, kind, funny, loving, protecting, big brother. I wish you were here to comfort and hug me as you have done before. But then again, if you were here, I wouldn't be crying. Her post was commented on by the following: Eric Hill (Daniel's and Holly’s friend): But Holly he is still doing it. Just because we can’t see it, it's a feeling and when we least expect it, that feeling overcomes us. What that feeling is, is him holding you from Heaven Deania Celli (Daniel’s classmate at UOP): Your brother was bigger than life and even though he is gone physically, he will never truly be gone. I never realized how much your brother touched my life. I don't think I could have made it through class without him. I am glad to call him my friend. I miss his jo...

Earlier today I was sitting in the living room watching TV. My seven month old grandson, Judah, was lying on the floor on a blanket. He is learning to turn over and get up on his hands and knees. He can crawl somewhat but not in a forward direction. He’s good at going sideways and backwards, though. As I contemplated how quickly he is growing and developing, something occurred to me I had never considered before. Being a grandpa is way more fun than being just a dad. As a grandfather who is retired I have much time to interact with and observe my four grandchildren. Since Judah and his parents live with us I have a lot of time to be with him and I love it. As a young father to our own children I had far less time with my kids due to working all the time to support them. Leaving for work in the morning and coming home at night, shortly before their bedtime, did not leave much room for being with them. Daniel was six months old when I went to work part-time for the Santa Clara Count...

Shortly after Daniel died, my very good and longtime friend, Bill Dobos, gave me a book titled, “Lament for a Son” written by Nicholas Wolterstorff. The book is about the author’s grief after losing his son in a mountain climbing accident. There is so much in this book to which I can relate. The boy’s death was unexpected; he was in his 25, Daniel was 28; his father sometimes got angry with him over the boy’s self-centeredness, etc. In one chapter, Wolterstorff speaks about his friend whose son committed suicide a few weeks before his own son died. Following is from his book and is worth repeating here: The pain of his (the one who killed himself) life was so intense that he took the life that gave the pain. I thought for a time that such a death must be easier to bear than the one with zest for life. He wanted to die. When I talked to the father, I saw that I was wrong. Death is the great leveler, so our writers have always told us. Of course they are right. But they have negle...

I was talking with a good friend, Chris Blair yesterday who is a pastor in Oregon. He and his wife Debbie came to visit us while they’re on vacation to support us as we continue to grieve. We discussed the importance of telling others what we appreciate about them. The people we meet in life (friends, casual acquaintances, co-workers, family, even strangers) truly appreciate it when we compliment them. This is very important for us to do since we live in such a negative and critical environment. Since Daniel died, I have had so much love from people who tell me what a great guy I am and how much my kindness has helped them. This has helped me tremendously and I I want to uplift others even more than I have in the past. I hope that my mentioning it here will encourage you to do the same. Don’t wait for something terrible to happen to someone you know until you “love on them.” Smile at strangers, say hello to everyone you meet, tell your Mom and Dad, your friends, your siblings, y...