I had two crying episodes this morning. The first came while talking to Linda about our trip to the cemetery yesterday. I woke up not feeling very chipper but I was not sad, however; talking to Linda just broke me. Through my tears I said, “I want my boy! I want to hug him, go fishing again and just see him!” These moments come upon me like an unseen storm on the horizon until they engulf me. Not being able to have these things does not make me want them anyway. In fact, I want them even more and I chastise myself for all the wasted opportunities I had in his 28 years to be with him. We did not play catch, or go fishing enough. I did not attend as many of his school activities as I should or could have. Working all the time contributed much to this but there were so many times when I was at home, watching TV or playing games on my computer and I flat out ignored his presence. The regrets are so many and so sad.


The second emotional jag occurred as I was reading the many Facebook responses I received today after last night’s blog post. The support and love are many, so soothing, and powerful. As I read, I could not help crying because I am so thankful for my friends. God is so good and I want to give him the glory that only He is worthy to receive. Thank you for reading my words. Please feel free to write me if you want to comment or ask me about anything.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Mercy, my heart aches for you and your family. I not only can't fathom...... I don't even want to try.
My youngest Son is 28 almost 29. He has been blessed with a beautiful voice and a songwriting musical talent extraordinaire. Though he was raised with Christian values and baptized at a young age with a profound understanding of the choice he had made, I think life has been hard for him and shaken his faith, he doesn't sing Christian songs but heartfelt ballads that I am Blessed by as i eagerly listen. He has a hard time understanding why a lot of his friends dont have his same morals and understanding of what is right and what is wrong. He is very sensitive and yet so very serious. Music is his passion, his purpose and his life, it takes presidence over all else. I may never have a daughter in law or Grandchildren that I know would bring him back that childlike faith and love he is so very capable of sharing. I am very proud of him and his willingness to share his most inner self with his song....at the same time I find myself gasping for air at the thought of never hearing that beautiful voice again. It is so weird, but when I hear the Christian band "Mercy Me" singing "I can only imagine" I hear my sons strong and pure voice singing it instead.
I am also so very blessed with a beautiful daughter, she has a lions heart for helping people and her God given gifts make her very good at it. She had the most beautiful Fairy Tail Wedding where she wed her very first boyfriend after several years of not seeing each other. They together gave us two awesome loving Grandsons. We can not get enough time with them ever.... Though they live close by we do not see them as much as we would like to.
Stan - We too .....have wasted alot of time, Raising our children working to provide for them. In reading and crying through your blog. It takes me through so many emotions. From extreme undeserved blessing to humbled selfish guilt.
God please do not test me in this way. I am not strong like this and i dont ever want to find out if I can be.
Heavenly Father......please help me to always be Thankful for my two very different yet; so similar adult children. Help me to be able to always show them how proud I am of both of them, let them never feel they have disappointed me, because they have Not in the least.... In fact they have superceeded my wildest dreams of who they would grow up to be! They are not perfect to anyone except me and their Dad. Lord, I know we can never be worthy enough to deserve our life and they Blessings you give. Help us to be better Grandparents than we were at parenting, let us not disappoint our children with our actions and help us to be good examples to our Grandsons..... They are smart and they absorb everything around them. Help us to learn from Stan and Linda's experience and please Lord Bless them and hold them and carry them through this nightmare and help them to find purpose and the will to go on because of their faith in knowing you and the hope in the promises to come. Amen
September 7, 2012 at 10:45 PM
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