Daniel's 30th. Birthday

On April 26, 2014, Daniel and his family would have celebrated his 30th. birthday. This crossed my mind for unknown reasons a few days ago and I was overcome with sadness. There was just something about that moment that hit me the wrong (right?) way and I began to cry. As I reflected on the upcoming, never-to-be celebrated birthday, I thought about collateral things. These include that by now he would have graduated with his bachelors degree in Criminal Justice, he would be married and would likely be a father. He would be closer to being a police officer, something he craved. I can picture our family throwing him a party, everyone happy and laughing. I have a photo of Daniel above my desk that I look at everyday. His squinty-eyed smile as he looks directly at the camera makes me smile. He was  so much like me, I’ve been told by his closest buddies and they say they see him in me. They give me credit for shaping his sense of humor. I hope I gave him more than just that and I think I did. Like me, he was analytical, sarcastic, punctual, soft-hearted and particular.  This is why we sometimes butted heads as he got older, learning to me a man and standing up for what he believed was correct.  

I shared these things with my best friend, Bill Dobos who pastors a church in Northeastern Oregon. He has seen much death, a number of which resulted from suicide. He gave me some very good advice and I will follow it. He suggested that Linda and I be proactive about Daniel’s upcoming birthday and plan out, at least some of the day. He said it may include us doing something together to acknowledge the day and some of the day might be spent alone. Being alone is what I do best when I’m sad, but I also need to be sensitive to Linda and her needs. After I spoke to Bill, I talked with Linda about this. She said she had already been thinking about attending a baby shower that day but didn’t know how I would feel about it. We agreed that we should each do whatever we wished to do that day and now that we are on the same page, we know what the other is thinking. Both of us are being thoughtful about the other and that makes me feel better. 


It’s likely that we’ll talk about it that Saturday morning and mark it by crying, reminiscing and laughing together about our only son. While she’s at the baby shower, I’ll probably take a drive up into the foothills. If any of our girls come to the house, we’ll talk about it and am sure there will be more laughter as well as tears. Daniel made a big mark on this family and he is sorely missed. The most comforting part is that we all will be reunited with him someday when we go to heaven. Thinking of this makes me recall one of Daniel’s sayings that he often repeated: “If I don’t see you later, I’ll see you on the other side.” Yes you will, my boy.  

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