Last Friday, Linda and I buried our son. Even though we had already had a memorial service in June, the actual burial was the harder of the two. However, some innocent comedic relief was provided by our 5 year old grandson, Logan that I want to share. As I sat on my bed getting dressed, Logan came in to talk to me. He and his brother, Luca had already been advised about Daniel’s passing as well as that he had “accidentally” shot himself. Logan knew we were going to a ceremony and to bury Uncle Daniel. He asked, “Grandpa, where is Daniel?” I admitted that he was in our house. His eyes got wide and he said, “Where are you hiding him?” I tried my best not to laugh and said I would show him after I got dressed. He begged me to confide in him and promised not to tell anyone. He said we can do a “pinky swear” so, we did and I said Daniel was in my office. A bit later, Luca came into me and said Logan had told him. So much for pinky swears.
Later, I showed them the urn and Logan, ever the thinker, said, “How did you squish him in there?” I said I would tell him later, when he was older. The two boys rode with Linda and I to the cemetery. Halfway there, out of the blue, Logan started tearing up and said, “I wish I was there when Uncle Daniel shot himself because I could have told him to point the gun the other way!” You and me both, little man.
When we all arrived at the San Joaquin Memorial Cemetery, we parked in a staging area and drove in a processional to the committal shelter to have our service. I read two scriptures and led a prayer. Linda read something she wrote which is so eloquent, sad and hopeful. She titled it “Whispering Hope” and it appears below.
It is a matter of irreconcilable understanding as to whether this act of Daniel’s was intentional or not. Either way, it is done and he is gone and we are left to live without him. These past few months have given me much to think about. As a mother, I would like to share the following with you with the intent that you would find both encouragement and that you would look very hard at your own life.
First of all, many people and religions believe that suicide means you can't go to heaven. They call it the “unforgivable sin.” I do not believe this and I think I can prove this with Scripture. God is merciful and gracious. He is also just. We will be judged, not on the nature of our death, but rather on the nature of our lives.
I can't answer why. Stan had spoken with Daniel several times that day. Jason had just talked to him shortly before it happened. Michelle was there when it did happen. NO ONE can answer why it occurred. Please don't try. It is futile. The question we MUST answer is how are we going to live our lives from here on out. Some of us are parents of adult children, some are grandparents, some are parents of young children, some are getting married, and some may never get married. We may face death, disease, heart ache, and great disappointment at any time. Life happens. I know without a doubt that this event would have been so much harder if I didn't have God’s Spirit with me daily.
In July, I drove to San Jose and as I was coming into Milpitas I got stuck in traffic resulting from an accident. In short, a car towing a boat trailer carrying a boat was heading north. The trailer broke free and hit the center divider sending the boat flying across the divider into southbound traffic, striking another vehicle. The boat was decimated. The vehicle was totaled. I don't know what happened to the driver of the vehicle or if there were any passengers. It didn't look good though. My point is, metaphorically speaking, we never know when the boat is going to fly through the air and hit us - maybe taking our life.
Everyone here knows God and Jesus to some extent. Daniel did too. Was he living his life in a way that honors God? You can answer that in various ways. It's his turn now to stand in judgment before God and gave an answer for his life. Someday, it will be our turn. I don’t want to give statements of hope as to how he entered eternity. That’s between him and God. I do know without a doubt though he now knows God fully and has fallen on his face in remorse for his life and in absolute love and thankfulness for what Jesus did for him on the Cross.
I am pleading with everyone here to learn from Daniel’s life. He was a son, grandson, brother, nephew, friend, lover, almost son-in-law, brother-in-law, and uncle. He made us laugh. He made us frustrated and angry. He gave and he took. Please examine thoroughly your actions, words, and how they affect those around you; and especially examine your relationship with Jesus and be all you can be in Christ-because without Him we can do nothing.
After the service, we drove over to the area where he was to be buried and stood by our cars to watch as a caretaker laid our son to rest. He then motioned us over to gather around the grave. It was a beautiful and touching time.
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