First Anniversary

On Thursday, June 20, 2013, our family and friends will mark the one year anniversary of the death of Daniel Kevin Faddis. Having lost other members of my family over the years, I think I have some idea of what the day will bring, thoughts I may have and the emotions it will elicit. However, I cannot know for sure as I have never marked the anniversary of the death of my own child until now.

Linda and I talked about what we will do that day. This week Linda is helping out at our church vacation Bible school, but she asked if she could have the day off. She doesn’t want to have any responsibilities to fulfill that day. She said she might go to the cemetery, but she is not certain. I told her I plan to have no plan and I don’t want to go out there.

My youngest daughter, Meagan called last night and asked if we would gather the family that day to remember him and I told her that I don’t want that. I just want to be alone as much as possible. June 23 will mark the eighth anniversary of the death of Meagan’s mom, Tina, my sister. I have no plans to remember her passing either, but I do want to support Meagan  in whatever way I can on that day. 

My goal this coming Thursday is to not focus on the sadness that erupted from June 20, 2012. Instead I want to remember the good times, Daniel’s humor, the light he brought to my life and every one who knew him. 

I had a bittersweet moment last week while our family was on a houseboat trip to Lake Shasta. Heather, Holly, their husbands, Sam and Bryan and all five grand kids were there. We also had our dear friends, Janean and Bill Dobos, and Portia Hopkins along for the trip. I have mentioned before, these houseboat trips, of which we have gone on more than 20 times since our kids were toddlers, are among our fondest memories. 

At one point, I was sitting on a cushioned bench with my eyes closed. I opened them to see Judah, who is 16 months old, crawling toward me on the floor, smiling. In that split second, he reminded me so much of Daniel at that age and I couldn’t help but cry due to a range of emotions-love, sorrow, happiness and regret. It may sound odd, but I welcome such moments because they provoke me to be grateful for what I’ve been given by God in my life and cause me to anticipate what the future holds for our family as a group and each of us as individuals. I want so badly for my children to honor God and pass the importance of doing so onto my grandchildren. I want them all to live long lives so that I do not ever again need to mark a day like the one coming up on June 20.

But, I digress. On this coming Thursday I choose to remember Daniel on those houseboat trips when we competed to catch the most fish. Just the two of us going to see a movie together. That hunting trip when he was 12, seeing him bag his first pheasant. The time we drove to Idaho to visit friends in my old diesel pickup that had a camper shell. Me in the front, driving, Daniel and his friend Jeremy Renfro, sleeping most of the way there and back in the camper. Going to Valley Christian High School football games to watch and hope that the coach would put my boy into the game. Daniel coming home from his senior trip to Hawaii and showing me his first tattoo, him knowing I would not have approved of it had he asked for permission, but knowing me well enough to believe I would forgive him for doing it. Traveling to Great Lakes, Illinois to witness our son graduate from Navy boot camp.  Finally, driving to San Jose International to pick him up when he returned on leave from the Persian Gulf. 

These memories are what I hope to dwell on this coming Thursday. Those things that once filled my life so fully and not the deep hole his passing has left in me.