The Real Stan Faddis

A few days ago, Linda and I visited our alma mater. The name of the school when we went there was San Jose Bible College and it was in San Jose. Ten years ago, the school relocated to Rocklin, California and was renamed William Jessup University (WJU) after its founder. During our visit, we saw some former classmates and staff and met a few new folks who now work for WJU. Linda and I got a lot of love and attention that day which was great. I almost felt like a celebrity. We had lunch in the school’s state of the art cafeteria with friends who are on staff, the former school president, Bryce Jessup (son of the founder) joined us and the current President, John Jackson, stopped by to greet us. Two days ago, I was thinking about my "good Stanley" as well as the Stanley I don't care for very much. 

I am considered by most people I know to be a nice guy, a good man, a decent husband, a great father and grandpa. When I think about this, as I often do, I conclude that most of these people don't really know the real Stan Faddis. When I am with others, I do put on my "nice guy" demeanor. I am jolly (like fat guys are supposed to be), funny, friendly and charming. However, my family really knows me because sometimes they see my "dark side."  I hold very little back most of the time when I’m upset and that isn't pretty. I can be moody, critical, quick to anger, opinionated and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes, I say stuff I shouldn't and almost feel like there is another being inside me that I am unable to control. He/it jumps out before I can rein him in. In my defense, I am not always an ogre in. Most of the time, I am pleasant and happy but in those moments the ugly me emerges, I am not nice to be around. I have wondered if I am bi-polar or manic-depressive. Certainly, I have exhibited symptoms of both. I also know that some of my “bad episodes” result from not feeling well physically, like a bear caught in a steel trap, in pain, I lash out. My behavior causes me to feel so self-centered and this is really not me. I care about others deeply and like helping folks whenever I can. I am known as a “people person” a “connector.” But there are those moments when I am nothing less than a jerk.

I long to be like a few people I know who, in spite of their physical ailments, are upbeat and pleasant. Their lovingkindness is inspiring to me and I want to be like they are. I don’t want to mention any names because I do not have their permission to do so. One of these people, a female, I have known since Bible College. She has had a serious ailment for years which can cause her extreme pain, but you wouldn’t know it by how she acts and she doesn't  bring it up in conversation. She shines the light of Jesus like no one else I know. We have talked about her demeanor and I have asked her how she does it. She just smiles, tells me she leans on God and looks forward to the day when she goes to heaven, never to be in pain again. I so want to be like her but instead I grunt, groan and complain. And sometimes, when I am hurting, I am at my worst. But being in pain is not the only times Ugly Stan visits. I honestly despise Ugly Stan but I seem unable to control him. 


Why am I writing this? Two reasons… confession is good for the soul and I want others to see they are not the only messed up ones. A verse that really jumped out at me last week is Proverbs 15:1 which says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I want to live this verse everyday, all the time. I want to be able to control my tongue to the point I will always speak softly, i.e gently, instead of harshly. I pray that anyone who also struggles with their temper can get it under control. Everyone (my loved ones, others to whom I have lashed out and me) will benefit if, through the power of God’s love and guidance, I would change this unsettling thing about myself. 

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