The Walker and Faddis families and their friends should all be getting ready for a wedding this evening. Instead, Michelle is in Disneyland with several of her wedding party, Daniel's groomsmen are elsewhere, several members of my family are at a beach in Northern California and I am sitting in front of this computer at home. This is not how it should be. This ought to be a day filled with joy, anticipation and activity. For me it is a somber day. Each of us who were supposed to be in Fremont this evening have been forced by an act we had no control over, to change our plans and spend the day elsewhere. Michelle and her Mom, Debi, came to visit us last week. While here, Michelle told us it was her plan to spend this day in the Happiest Place on Earth. I encouraged her to do so and am proud that she is there now with her supportive friends. I chose to be alone instead of going with Linda, Holly, Bryan and Judah to Dillon Beach to visit our close friends who would have been at the ...
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Michelle and Daniel were set to be married tomorrow at the Prince of Peace Lutheran Church in Fremont, CA. Today, we should all be converging on the East Bay to attend the rehearsal for the wedding followed by a dinner that I was to host as the groom’s father. It was going to be at BJ’s Restaurant and I had such a grand picture of the evening in my mind. We expected 30 or 40 people to be there and I was really looking forward to it. It would have been my night to shine as the proud father who would pick up the tab for the festivities. The groom’s dad has it so easy.
A number of people have asked me if I have had trouble sleeping. The answer is no. Sleep is a refuge. It allows me to shut out the reality we are living. While I may toss and turn, and wake up more than usual during the night, my sleep is usually deep. However, it is the waking up that hurts. I have vivid dreams that seem so real, but when I awake, Daniel’s being gone is what I always think of first. It’s almost like learning about his death for the first time over and over again.
Daniel
On June 20, 2012, our 28 year-old son, Daniel Kevin Faddis died. His death rocked me to the very depths of my soul. It was shocking and devastating. I now can understand more clearly how deeply my mother was hurt when my brother Kevin died 31 years ago in a car crash. However, my pain has a different level because Daniel shot himself. Some people believe that Daniel did not mean to kill himself, that it was accidental. As for me I do not know anything more than he was very careful about guns and whether he meant to or not, he is still gone from us. This event has changed me forever. I will always be sad that we will never again verbally spar with one another, watch a "macho man" movie together or go on a houseboat trip and compete to catch the most fish. I will not have a grandson named after me or hold a little girl that Daniel fathered. Although I hurt for myself, I hurt even more for my Linda. She carried our only son for nine months, nursed him and raised hi...