My Ramblings

Today is Thursday and this morning I realized that the last couple of days have been better for me. I have not thought about Daniel and his suicide as much. I have shed fewer tears. I cannot say that I am “over it” but I am hopeful that I am making progress. As I stated in my last post, I want to learn to manage my pain rather than allow my pain to manage me. Today, Linda and I had lunch with our pastor, Adam Miller and his wife, Jenn. Adam asked Linda how she was doing to which she answered, “I am staying busy.” I need to take a lesson from her and get busy. If I do so, I will have less time to dwell on the circumstances. I am very grateful for the many expressions of support, love and prayer we have received from people. We have been told that folks all over the world, most of whom do not even know us, are praying for us. We, in turn, are praying for the suffering and tragedy of people we do not know. The prayer network that can be created is immense. And it is expanded exponent...

One of the first thoughts that drifted into my mind when I woke up this morning is that right now I do not care if I live or die. There is no way I would take my own life, especially after having had to live through this past seven weeks. Suicide wrecks so many people around the deceased. However, if I dropped dead from a heart attack or a car crash I am ready for it. Being in heaven would be so much better than this staying in this world. Heaven means no pain, no sadness, and no worries. The depression and sadness are so debilitating. I have no ambition and no desire to get some. There is nothing more that I feel like accomplishing each day other than to get out of bed and most days that is not until 10 or 11. Later in the morning, I called Linda into where I was sitting because I was on the verge of losing it and I needed her to console me. She stood there in front of me and cradled my head for a long time as I cried and told her how I feel. I said through my tears and pain, “God!...

There are two birthdays today (August 3) in my family. Today, my beautiful, smart, compassionate daughter, Heather is 27. She is the mother of two boys and a daughter. Her fourth baby will be born in October. I am so proud of her! Among other things, she is a great mommy; an accomplished baker and a doula (look it up). Our relationship is strong and loving; however, it was not always that way. Like her Dad, Heather is strong-willed and so we butted heads a lot during her teen years. I am so proud of the woman she has grown to be. The other family birthday today would have been my sister Tina’s 52nd. Unfortunately, she passed away in June 2005. The word that comes to mind regarding Heather and Tina (who were born 25 years to the day apart) is “choices.” While Heath was somewhat rebellious and resistant to our guidance at times, she righted herself and has blossomed into a woman that any parent would be proud of. Tina did not choose the same path for herself. She got into drugs, fell ...

I cannot yet say I have “turned a corner” regarding my grief. It’s more like I am at the beginning of a big curve in the road and slowly making my way around to the other end. So, I feel I am experiencing some progress.   Having never gone through such a trial, I really don’t know what to expect. I look forward to not bursting into tears at the slightest little thing such as hearing a song or seeing a commercial for a TV show that Daniel and I liked to watch. While I know it is okay to do this, it can be unsettling to people who are in the same room as me when it happens. Try to picture all 6’2”, 450 lbs. of me spontaneously exploding into a crying jag. I feel bad for those who have witnessed this. This would be a good gag for a Candid Camera episode, I think.   

In the past, I have wondered why the Facebook pages of deceased folks are left as if the person is still alive. I have seen active pages of those who passed away several years ago. I questioned why someone would want to make comments on Facebook to a dead person. The deceased cannot see it. Then, yesterday I saw a post our daughter, Heather posted Daniel’s Facebook page: Just found a MacGyver Marathon on TV. I reached for my phone so I could tell you about it. This feeling is indescribable Daniel. I just lack the words for how it feels to have you gone. I love you so, so much. Holly commented on Heather’s post : I made a "Daniel" joke and reached for my phone to call him. Is this really our reality now? I wish it was some kind of drawn out sick joke. Our daughters are hurting so much for the loss of their brother and this is one way they try to deal with the emptiness – by talking to their Bubsy on Facebook. I hope they keep it up. It’s nice to read and helps my healing pro...

I have gotten many emails, cards, Face book posts and phone calls since Daniel died. Most begin with, “I have no words…” or “I just don’t know what to say…” I want everyone to know that it’s okay to not know what to say. The fact that you communicated your sympathy is enough and so gratefully appreciated. My blog has more than 1200 page views which is amazing to me. I’ve learned from some of the emails I have received there are some who are benefiting from what they read here. This makes me happy. Another thing that quite a few people have said to me regards what “a great guy you are” and, “I appreciate you so much.” Some say I have had a positive impact on them over the years. Wow! I have thought that I’m a nice guy (as well as a funny one) but I have not really considered myself one to impact people or someone who is looked up to by others. But hearing certainly boosts my self-esteem. Thank you! I believe that all of us have someone who thinks this way of us and unless they expr...

Today I was thinking of another great connection Daniel and I shared. There were certain TV shows and movies that we liked to watch. If we couldn’t watch them together, we talked about them later by telephone. Some of our favorites were Southland, Boardwalk Empire, Homeland and Band of Brothers. There were others that he liked and I didn’t such as House and South Park. I liked Lost and Friday Night Lights but he didn’t. There were certain movies that we agreed to only see together the first time and often we went to the first showing available on opening day. These included Saving Private Ryan, Shooter, Four Brothers and Gladiator. The last movie we saw together was Warrior. We were both Mark Wahlberg fans. We enjoyed discussing the movie or TV episode and the great characters that the writers had created. We both liked the character John Cooper (played by Michael Cudlitz) in Southland a lot. He also portrayed Sgt. Denver “Bull” Randleman in Band of Brothers. This is a simple connec...